Burned Chicken

So today I burned some chicken in a drunken stupor at 4:25 in the morning. Thats A.M. for those of you who use 24 hour clocks. I think europeans do that. Army people do that too. Its annoying to talk to someone affiliated with the Army. Like I'll say "hey, whens the Lions game on" and they'll say something like "at 14 hundred hours, and I need you to tell bravo squad to bring the cheese dip, or else charlie is gonna have a field day with our left flank, because the salsa bowl will be vulnerable to attack from all sides due to our lack of cheese dip support. We may have to resort to our auxilliary pretzel munitions to keep tango at bay until proper backup arrives, but I dont think we will be able to operate on all fronts. Damn this war...". Then I'll usually say something like "I'll bring my own dip" or "who the hell is Tango? Is he from South America?". Its hard being me sometimes. The only people I'm friends with are those who are delusional or awkward. Like my friend from the gym that I go to so I can tell everyone I have a gym membership even though its more like a "stare at the 45 year old ladies on the stairmaster" membership. Wow what a run-on sentence. I was actually thinking that maybe I'm spelling "stairmaster" wrong. In my experience its more like a "stare-master". Haha, whos gonna give me a virtual high five? Oh, oh I see, well I tried, Anyway, where was I? Oh, my friend from the gym. Wait, before I go on, don't you like it when people type like they talk? Like I just said, "where was I", even though I couldv'e read two lines back and found out where I was in my thought process. My brain feels fatter than normal, hmmm. Anyway, my friend at the gym is the guy nobody likes. He sweats profusely, and wears the same gym clothes everyday, and worst of all, he screams when he lifts. You know hes there because he'll go "AHHHHHOOOOOOOAAAAAAHHHH-WWHAAAAAAAHHH and then a vein in his head will explode and he'll leave the gym in a stretcher. Since I'm the fat guy at the gym, and I also sweat profusely and smell, noone likes me either. So it made sense to make friends with the other guy noone likes, even though I think that I am a little higher than him on the social ladder at the gym. I mean, I have an excuse, I fat, the other guy, hes just crazy. In addition, the only time I scream at the gym is when I drop one of my candy bars at my feet and I cant bend over to pick it up. Things have become so grim that now I don't even try to bend over or kneel down. Now I usally take off my shoes and socks and grab it with my toes and then carefully manuever it to one of my hands. Anyyyway, that just brought down my sex appeal from microscopic to even more microscopic. I think I'm in the molecular realm now. Time to make you forget I'm fat through my ability of confusion. So, I'm gonna start from the beginning. I made chicken when I was drunk, but I fell asleep while it was frying. I mustve drank 40 bud lights and lime, so I passed out. I woke up 6 hours later to a smoky inferno in my kitchen, and for a minute I really thought, "oh no, I just went shopping too". Really. I wasn't scared for my life or the cost of the damage, I was scared because I just went shopping and all that food was gonna burn. What a waste. Its ok though, I took out the chicken and it ended up just being a bunch of smoke. Luckily for my food. Anyway, the scene that followed probably would've gave Gordon Ramsey a brain aneurism. Some half naked fat dude covered in hot wing barbeque sauce and sticky beer holding burned chicken in a kitchen that looked like it belonged on the exorcism set. And it smelled too. Like burned bacon grease and crisco fat. The smell hasn't gone away in fact. Its just lingered throughout my house. So now I'm the typical fat guy. I'm fat, filthy from condiments, and I smell like a high school cafeteria. People probably think I sleep in a fry cooker. My clothes are forever ruined. My towels all smell like this bacon fat stench, so when I dry off from my bath, I get the smell all over me. I'm a little uneasy because I woke up the other night licking my own arm because it smelled so good. This cant be a good sign. If you read about a fat guy eating himself to death on AOL's weird zany news, it's probably me. Or if you read about a fat guy farting too much and then dying from the gas, there is a good possibility that that was me too. That that, what an awkward sentence. I should really rephrase that...Any suggestions? Or do you think that thats ok?