That time of year again

So, it's that time of year again. Time for me to go back to Wayne State University to not graduate for 2 more years. It's complete bullshit. They must think I have nothing better to spend my money on then classes that don't teach me anything. I guess they've never heard of food or quadruple bypass surgery. Oh well. My first day wasn't THAT bad, just the usual terrible day that I've grown accustom to.

My first class was in a lecture hall. I was late and it was full. Usually they have seats at the top reserved for land monsters like myself, but to my suprise (not really) these seats were all taken by skinny ass white chicks who didnt even fit in one of the pre-molded ass cheeks that are on the seats of the special chairs. I call the chairs special because they are very wide and made for people like me. They have ass grooves already in them to help make them more comfortable. They also smell like a spicy curry ham sandwich, but thats another story altogether.

I wanted to sit down without the instructer noticing so I tried to shuffle down the aisle and find the closest set of 3 seats in a row. There werent any. I tried to squeeze down the first row I came across but when I tried to "squeeze" I ended up putting my ass in some girls face and hitting the guy in fornt of me with my stubborn belly fat. Needless to say the girl started dry heaving and the guy took exception t me knocking off his hat with my fat. This caused a huge uproar and the instructor had to stop lecture and call me out in front of the whole class. These are his exact words...

Instructor: Whats the meaning of this? What are you doing there son? A big boy like you should be up at the top of the class, in the special chairs.

Me: Sorry sir, the special chairs are all taken and I thought I could just....

Instructor: Hold it right there son. I think you should know better than to try to squeeze your 700 pound frame into one of those seats made for normal people. Heck, I bet they stream this class online for your types.

Me: My types?

Instructor: Lets be honest son, you have a disabilty...your allergic to salads

:Laughter:

Instructor: I bet when you sit around the house, you sit AROUND the house...

:Laughter:

Instructor: I bet when you walk backwards you beep...

:Laughter:

Instrcutor: When you go to the ocean, the whales come out and sing "we are family".

:Laughter:

Me: Those were maybe funny in 2nd grade. I don't need to take this I'm leaving.

Instructor: Dont bother signing in then, I'll just mark off Pillsbury Doughboy from the list

"More laughter:

I left the class very angry at my professor, so I thought I'd go to the History Department to complain. When I got there I told my story to the secretary, who informed me that my professor was an ex-stand up comedian, and this wasn't the first time he had made a student leave class. I told her I wanted to speak to the head of the department. She told me that the department head's office was on the 7th floor, and that she knew I wouldn't go there. I asked her why, and she replied "because the elevator is out of service". Then she laughed for about 4 minutes. I didn't see what was so funny. So what she was right. I had a plan.

I went to McDonalds instead. Oh, what a cheap way out you think. Or, wow what a vicious cycle of eating and ridicule and eating due to ridicule that leads to more ridicule and more eating. You're wrong. I needed to take a McDonald's crap. I went and ordered 3 20 piece nugget meals. Ate them all, and then I took a massive 11lb Mcdonalds dump, sealed it in my empty McDonalds bag, and left it in my professors mailbox at the history department. Shitting in a bag is harder then you think, but what is even harder is convincing the secretary at the History department that your McDonalds bag isn't full of shit. She was like "ummm, it smells very bad and it's pretty clear its coming from that bag". I just replied that I hadn't wiped in a couple of days. That REALLY shut her up. I then proceeded to hand the bag to her, and in the process it leaked a little from the bottom. I said "man they make those burgers so juicy". And then I left. It's not like my professor won't find out I did it. I mean, the secretary will just tell him a very large man came in and dropped off an 11lb bag of raw human feces in your mailbox. He'll know it was me, but he will forever regret not letting me sign my name into the attendence sheet. I will forever be know as the pillsbury doughboy who dropped off a leaky bag of shit at his office. Yes, the smell of success (eww), I mean, the taste of victory (EEEEEWWWW).