That time of year again

So, it's that time of year again. Time for me to go back to Wayne State University to not graduate for 2 more years. It's complete bullshit. They must think I have nothing better to spend my money on then classes that don't teach me anything. I guess they've never heard of food or quadruple bypass surgery. Oh well. My first day wasn't THAT bad, just the usual terrible day that I've grown accustom to.

My first class was in a lecture hall. I was late and it was full. Usually they have seats at the top reserved for land monsters like myself, but to my suprise (not really) these seats were all taken by skinny ass white chicks who didnt even fit in one of the pre-molded ass cheeks that are on the seats of the special chairs. I call the chairs special because they are very wide and made for people like me. They have ass grooves already in them to help make them more comfortable. They also smell like a spicy curry ham sandwich, but thats another story altogether.

I wanted to sit down without the instructer noticing so I tried to shuffle down the aisle and find the closest set of 3 seats in a row. There werent any. I tried to squeeze down the first row I came across but when I tried to "squeeze" I ended up putting my ass in some girls face and hitting the guy in fornt of me with my stubborn belly fat. Needless to say the girl started dry heaving and the guy took exception t me knocking off his hat with my fat. This caused a huge uproar and the instructor had to stop lecture and call me out in front of the whole class. These are his exact words...

Instructor: Whats the meaning of this? What are you doing there son? A big boy like you should be up at the top of the class, in the special chairs.

Me: Sorry sir, the special chairs are all taken and I thought I could just....

Instructor: Hold it right there son. I think you should know better than to try to squeeze your 700 pound frame into one of those seats made for normal people. Heck, I bet they stream this class online for your types.

Me: My types?

Instructor: Lets be honest son, you have a disabilty...your allergic to salads

:Laughter:

Instructor: I bet when you sit around the house, you sit AROUND the house...

:Laughter:

Instructor: I bet when you walk backwards you beep...

:Laughter:

Instrcutor: When you go to the ocean, the whales come out and sing "we are family".

:Laughter:

Me: Those were maybe funny in 2nd grade. I don't need to take this I'm leaving.

Instructor: Dont bother signing in then, I'll just mark off Pillsbury Doughboy from the list

"More laughter:

I left the class very angry at my professor, so I thought I'd go to the History Department to complain. When I got there I told my story to the secretary, who informed me that my professor was an ex-stand up comedian, and this wasn't the first time he had made a student leave class. I told her I wanted to speak to the head of the department. She told me that the department head's office was on the 7th floor, and that she knew I wouldn't go there. I asked her why, and she replied "because the elevator is out of service". Then she laughed for about 4 minutes. I didn't see what was so funny. So what she was right. I had a plan.

I went to McDonalds instead. Oh, what a cheap way out you think. Or, wow what a vicious cycle of eating and ridicule and eating due to ridicule that leads to more ridicule and more eating. You're wrong. I needed to take a McDonald's crap. I went and ordered 3 20 piece nugget meals. Ate them all, and then I took a massive 11lb Mcdonalds dump, sealed it in my empty McDonalds bag, and left it in my professors mailbox at the history department. Shitting in a bag is harder then you think, but what is even harder is convincing the secretary at the History department that your McDonalds bag isn't full of shit. She was like "ummm, it smells very bad and it's pretty clear its coming from that bag". I just replied that I hadn't wiped in a couple of days. That REALLY shut her up. I then proceeded to hand the bag to her, and in the process it leaked a little from the bottom. I said "man they make those burgers so juicy". And then I left. It's not like my professor won't find out I did it. I mean, the secretary will just tell him a very large man came in and dropped off an 11lb bag of raw human feces in your mailbox. He'll know it was me, but he will forever regret not letting me sign my name into the attendence sheet. I will forever be know as the pillsbury doughboy who dropped off a leaky bag of shit at his office. Yes, the smell of success (eww), I mean, the taste of victory (EEEEEWWWW).

I almost died...

This summer has been a very hot one. Ok, well maybe for all you skinny people out there it hasn't with the record lows and whatnot, but for those of us who carry around blubber, it has been very hot. By the way, while I'm on the subject, I was very suprised to find out that I have blubber. I thought only animals such as whales and walrus' had blubber, but my doctor referred to my fat as "blubber". He said, "boy, you must love these Michigan winters with all that blubber". At first I thought he was joking, so I said, "you must love Michigan because you can use your skinny ass as a pseudo-saucer for sleding down hills". He immediately took offence to my comment and told me his pancake booty was from a degenerative illness. Boy, that was extremely awkward. He then informed me that "blubber" was the correct term for my fat deposits since they resemble those of many marine animals. Needless to say I felt very guilty for eating 5 Big Macs before my appointment, but at least I didn't finish all 7 of my apple pies.
Anyway, I digress. The summer is the worst season for me. I sweat enough to fill up baby sized pools, and indeed I place my tv watching chair in a baby pool while I watch tv during the summer because the tenents below me were complaining about a "smelly leak" in their ceiling. Well I'm sorry we're all not perfect. What a bunch of heartless jerks. Don't they realize that I have the equivolent of 6 fur coats attached to my body at all times? (i.e. blubber). and of course my apartment has no working air conditioning, and all I have is a fan because my personal air conditioner broke and leaked Chinese Freon all over my hands and exposed fat folds.
So this fan is worthless. It just blows warm air back in my face the whole time. Like thanks for nothing. What a dumb ass invention. If people were using it back in 2000 b.c. you know its a stupid invention, like the wheel and written alphabets.
So I almost killed myself when I was sitting next to the fan when it blew sweat into my eyes. The salt burned so badly that I stood up to rinse my eyes out with water when I slipped on a puddle of my OWN sweat. Thank goodness the neighbors were home. They thought a sky diver fell into the building from the enormous "thud" they heard. I think they were exagerrating just a little. Well anyway, it ends up I had a pretty bad concussion and needed a CAT scan. I'm ok. but from now on I'm wearing those shoes that make sure you don't slip. I wear nothing but those. We'll see how this works out.

I May Be a King

Ok, so today I was at the gas station looking at the candy aisle trying to decide what to make my candy bar sandwich out of, and I realized something. The king sized candy bars are named "king" for a reason, because they are bigger. This may seem obvious, but, who eats big candy bars? Morbidly obese people like me do! So, if we use logic, this means:

King sized candy bars are made for kings, and fat people eat these candy bars, therefore making them kings.

The man at the gas station , abdul hussein, did not appreciate my yelling and commanding, and he kicked me out of his store. I was just telling him to give me all of the candy for free. I mean, I am a king am I not? He was saying shit like "get out of my store, you fat man!!! I have never seen such a beast of a man!! What is the meaning of this!!!"

This is the same man who exclaimed "Allah be merciful" when he first saw me walk in. That was really good for my ego. Anyway, I ate about 5 of the candy bars outside of the gas station, and then I walked to my broke ass car and drove 500 feet to my apartment entrance. Yeah, its good to be the king.

Did you get worried?

Well, it's been an interesting 4 months to say the least. A lot happened in my life which gave me no time to rant about trivial dilemma's in my everyday life. JUST JOKING! Nothing spectacular happened, except for the fact that I bought a fridge for my bedroom. Now I don't even have to get out of bed to get a delicious double bacon and no lettuce or tomato sandwich. A little thing I call a "Dub B no L or T", although I do admit the abbreviation isn't actually that helpful, and that I only use this abbreviation when addressing my stomach's constant hunger pains. Let me recap some major events that occurred in my life while I was on hiatus.




Major events in life list:



Installed fridge in room


Got in altercation at subway in downtown detroit for not being able to buy quadruple meat for my sub. I didn't know that double meat was the highest they could go.


Broke the toilet at mejier on 12 mile and telegraph because apparently it wasn't made for "heavy people" as the assistant manager told me. I had porcelain shards in my ass fat for days, and they had to renovate their bathrooms under code 4.17.03 of the Michigan Building Code. They also called the fire department when they found me. I was unable to wipe for days. Anyyyywayyy...




I made fake profiles on match.com and eharmony to see if there is actually a chance for me meeting a girl in this world, and apparently there isn't. I actually got matched with a Parmesan meatball sandwich. This news was slightly depressing yet tasty.


I almost got stuck in my bathtub. I was standing up at the time.


I participated in a research study at my college for the travel compensation money, since I was going there anyway. The study was on whether or not eating a diet high in certain minerals could curb eating desires. They can't. I was kicked out of the study by week 2 because I did not fit the criteria of what a "normal person is". My ginormous appetite skewed the research data so badly that the who study was scratched.


I learned that I am not a "normal person" by some 24 year old psychology grad student at Wayne State University.




I hid a fresh, massively long "Lincoln Log" in some 24 year old psychology grad student's desk. I also threw a bunch of papers on top of it to further heighten the surprise.


And that's about it. I know there is more, but writing makes me depressed sometimes. Or hungry. Actually, it makes me both.




Oh, one more thing happened. My crazy neighbors power went out some how, and he asked to come over and use the phone. Maybe it had to do with the strange gunshot noises I heard coming from his house, or the fact that he was probably practicing how to cut the power to a house, and accidentally cut the power to his own house during the practice. Who knows. So anyway, I let him use the phone, and he dials like 18 numbers and just waits for 5 minutes while the phone rings and rings on the other end. He had the volume on the phone up all the way, so i could hear everything. The ringing and ringing lasted forever. It was really awkward. Then, once I was about to suggest that maybe the person he wants to reach isn't home, the line picks up, but no one talks. He sat in silence for maybe 2 minutes breathing into the phone, with neither party saying anything, then he hung up abruptly. This is an actual photo of the event.


























Then, while he was waiting for the electrical company to come to his house, he noticed the Wii I had bought in order to exercise while playing video games (which never happens), and he asked what it was. At first I thought he was stalling for time, maybe because he doesn't like to be in his house alone in the dark, but then I remembered that he was always in his house alone in the dark, so I thought maybe he was being serious. I showed him the Wii and how it worked, and he wasn't amused. We even made him an avatar. He still wasn't amused. He said too many flashing lights bring back painful memories. THANK GOD the electrical company come before he shared some of those painful memories. I now have this character in my Wii, because I don't know how to delete it. Honestly, it just creeps me out.







That's the actual Wii avatar in my gaming console. Worst part is, some games I have to play against the CPU controlled version of this avatar. I tried to delete it, but it just came back, so I don't know what to do.

Well, how was your past 4 months?