I almost died...

This summer has been a very hot one. Ok, well maybe for all you skinny people out there it hasn't with the record lows and whatnot, but for those of us who carry around blubber, it has been very hot. By the way, while I'm on the subject, I was very suprised to find out that I have blubber. I thought only animals such as whales and walrus' had blubber, but my doctor referred to my fat as "blubber". He said, "boy, you must love these Michigan winters with all that blubber". At first I thought he was joking, so I said, "you must love Michigan because you can use your skinny ass as a pseudo-saucer for sleding down hills". He immediately took offence to my comment and told me his pancake booty was from a degenerative illness. Boy, that was extremely awkward. He then informed me that "blubber" was the correct term for my fat deposits since they resemble those of many marine animals. Needless to say I felt very guilty for eating 5 Big Macs before my appointment, but at least I didn't finish all 7 of my apple pies.
Anyway, I digress. The summer is the worst season for me. I sweat enough to fill up baby sized pools, and indeed I place my tv watching chair in a baby pool while I watch tv during the summer because the tenents below me were complaining about a "smelly leak" in their ceiling. Well I'm sorry we're all not perfect. What a bunch of heartless jerks. Don't they realize that I have the equivolent of 6 fur coats attached to my body at all times? (i.e. blubber). and of course my apartment has no working air conditioning, and all I have is a fan because my personal air conditioner broke and leaked Chinese Freon all over my hands and exposed fat folds.
So this fan is worthless. It just blows warm air back in my face the whole time. Like thanks for nothing. What a dumb ass invention. If people were using it back in 2000 b.c. you know its a stupid invention, like the wheel and written alphabets.
So I almost killed myself when I was sitting next to the fan when it blew sweat into my eyes. The salt burned so badly that I stood up to rinse my eyes out with water when I slipped on a puddle of my OWN sweat. Thank goodness the neighbors were home. They thought a sky diver fell into the building from the enormous "thud" they heard. I think they were exagerrating just a little. Well anyway, it ends up I had a pretty bad concussion and needed a CAT scan. I'm ok. but from now on I'm wearing those shoes that make sure you don't slip. I wear nothing but those. We'll see how this works out.