I Wanna Be On TV!

So today I was flipping through the channels during a commercial on the food network when came across a show that caught my eye. It was called "extreme bodies" and it was about fat people. I mean people fatter than me. Like fatter than a sumo wrestler. Like land monsters. Ok, that might sound mean, but I'm allowed to poke fun. I mean, I'll be there in the next decade, so let me have my fun now before my quintuple heart attacks and failed quadruple bypass surgery ( don't worry, I get a heart transplant from a monkey ( a fat monkey)). In fact, while were on the subject of fat, do you think its not fun for these people to be fat? I mean, I know skinny people deprive themselves of delicious food all of the time, leading me to believe they must not know the joy of eating fatty foods. Its my guess that the average skinny person has not eaten a stick of butter like a Popsicle. Well, if that's true, then it's also my guess that the average skinny person has not really lived. Skinny people are just dumb. They deprive themselves of the paramount joy in life; eating until theres no point to life anymore. Believe me, these skinny people love the abuse, either that or they do it because they're uneducated. Really, I see it happen and it amazes me. Skinny people are like "oh, no thanks, I don't want a cupcake" or "oh, that's waaaaay too much ice cream for me".

I'm secretly panting, "WHAT THE FUUUUUCK!?!?!" as I eat handfuls of Ritz Bitz sandwhiches instead of breathing.

First of all, there is never too much ice cream, only too little. Much too little. So back that skinny, negative parabola, pancake booty up, because my fat ass is coming through, and you know what, I'm taking up all the space on the toilet seat, at the public toilets, at Wayne State University's Student Center, on the 1st floor across from barnes and nibbles, where you can shop and you'll hear it before you smell it and I bet it ruins your appetite for that soft pretzel because that gooey pretzel has twists in it, and then you'll wonder if a gas main burst so then you'll check out the men's room and you'll hear straining and sweating coming from the last stall in the row which is reserved for the handicapped, and I'll be holding onto the bars in there doing my best Olympic gymnast impression, while I give birth to a 11lb 5oz mahogany monster, which will not flush because I used way too much of the see through, rip through, make your hand brown, cheap ass, rash giving, ass hair burning, hemorrhoid causing toilet paper, and then you will understand why I physically could not accept the offer to supersize my three quater pounder and cheese meals from McDonald's.

Second of all, being fat could get you on tv apparently. So, you know, that's a positive.