Firstly and mostly, I gain an average of 4 lbs on Halloween, and it's not water weight. I usually eat about 7-8 lbs of chocolate. This weight never subsides. the only thing that ever gets lighter is my wallet. I spend a good $5,000 on candy during Halloween. Here is a question I now pose to you, have you ever passed an entire Hershey bar unscathed through your intestinal tract? I have, so shut your brain up and keep reading. You might wonder where the money for this once yearly binge comes from. Well, I trick or treated until I was about 23, which is when I was arrested for an altercation at the Karakas' residence. Apparently I didn't appreciate the "cool" bag of pennies they gave me, and they didn't appreciate the anger a fat man feels when he is denied the sweet nectar of processed sugar. I guess I should not have punched a 67 year old retired bus driver repeatedly in the stomach, but then again, maybe he should have went to a coinstar and bought some goddamn candy with all of those pennies. So now because of my arrest I am not permitted to wear a mask on Halloween, which means no trick or treating, which therefore means I buy all of my candy, which in turn means no money. Plus, not wearing a mask leads me to my second reason to hate Halloween...
No good costumes. Whats a fat guy to do? You can only dress up like the white Al Roker or a sumo wrestler so many times. After about 4 Halloweens with the same costume people start to question you. It's like I've become the kid who always wears the same hoody to class. You just wonder what his deal is. Does he own clothes? Did he sell them? Did he lose them in a fire? Does he just own a couple of the same hoodies? Does he really like "west valley college" that much? I say this last part because the hoody is always some shitty college nobody has heard of that is lightyears away. Like "bumblefuck university" or "east stratmire state". You just wonder where exactly this kid received this hoody. Now read this, I don't want to be that kid. Here lies the problem then. What to wear? I could wear a shiny garbage bag and go as missy elliot when she was fat. I could even paint myself yellow and go as the yellow M&M. I would probably try to eat myself if I was drunk enough though. Hmmm. Any ideas would be helpful. I was thinking about going as the lost in space robot, but it could get pretty hot and smelly in that metal suit of death.
Do you think this would work? I don't think I would attract any ladies, only the attention of the high school football dads who have never grown out of high school. They'd be like,
Patrick: Hey jesse, check out this dweeb over here. Didn't he try out for Bailey township football in '85?
Jesse: Yeah, I remember him. That was the year we won states. I could have made it big if coach wouldn't have taken me out in the third quarter. That Bastard...Lets Get Him!!!
(they then proceed to wail on my metal costume)
See my problem? I need a cool costume. Any help would be appreciated. Oh wait, I don't have friends that read this blog. That leads me to my third problem...
My friends get booty on Halloween, and I don't. Yes, if you have read my older blog posts you realize that my friends dress ridiculously, and the only time they seem somewhat appropriate is when they go out for Halloween. It's funny to hear conversations between them and girls though, since they don't think that they dressed up at all. It usually goes...
Girl: Sweet costume!
Friend: Huh?!
Girl: I said I like your costume, very 80's...
Friend: Wait, what costume?
Girl: Huh?
Friend: Wanna makeout, tootze?
(consensual makeout all over bar)
And that's how it ends. My friends remain oblivious to the fact that it's not 1987 anymore, and even motley crue doesn't dress like that anymore. Oh well, maybe I'll just call the cops on my psycho neighbor. They'll probably think all of the dead bodies in his house are decorations though. I guess I'll give it a few weeks. This is what he'll look like on October 31st, but he won't even realise it's Halloween until 2 weeks later.
